Copy-Cats are the best kind of cats…….Look to India for proof !!!

Aaj kal India me har kuch copy hota hai………….

Movies ( purani khabar hai boss, Bollywood copying since 1950)

TV Serials ( usse bhi purani khabar hai boss…….Copying since the beginning of time)

Tech  (Copying since Indians lay there eye on Ravan’s Pushpak Viman……”Oooohhh Aaaahhhhh, must copy” )

Religion ( Indra -Pal Singh (Hindu god of blah blah) copied from his classmate Mahavir Jain, who inturn was copying from Purana Buddha (Strange name for a child, i know) )

Ek chota sa namuma pesh karte hain ( for the knock out punch obviously)—- I recently had the misfortune of finding out that one of my favorite shows, Small Wonder ( I always wanted to be Harriet …and yeah I’m Gay for saying this :P) had been kidnapped, strangled, water boarded, brutally raped and then finally shot through the head by the Indian Telly……..Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo !!!! ………In the words of Dharam Paji, “KUTTTONNNNN CHUN CHUN KE MAROONGA”

Karishma came on Indian telly and proved to be a more lethal killer than Methyl Cyanide and ofcourse Anderson (Bhopali :P)

But one thing even I didn’ see coming ( despite having inherited Sanjay’s Magical Drishti……..we all know what he used it for [Que Porn music ] )….was copying in Indian politics……[ Honest Confession, Indian politics has been blamed of being so many things that “accusing them of being a copy-cat” was  the only thing i could have done without being called a copy-cat myself )…[I know, I know….I am a genius ]….

Anna Hazare ( of the ” me gandhi banna chahta hoon” fame) aur Baba Ramdev ( of the “Baaaa Baaa Black Money”  fame) Gandhi ji ki nakal utar rahe hain !!! …………

All i can read in the newspaper these days  ( Yes, i do get a newspaper…….Comes in handy, when the water runs out ) is ” I’ll go on a fast today………no discuss with govt first……………Fast tomorrow………..Arrehh Nahi, demands poori ho gayi, strike cancel………….no no, govt bluffed us, hunger strike on )……

Amaran Anshan Bapu ne shuru kiya tha ( Don’t sue me , i might be wrong……….was sleeping in the history class, u see !!) par never in his wildest dreams would he have thought ki Indians unke is “Hatiyaar” ( Indian for Weapon ) ko tod marod kar uska present day avatar de denge (Indians would distort his weapon to it’s present day state… [ I know it sounds like something out of a porno]….

  • Karunanidhi does a hunger strike till death for a full 2 hours……..
  • Baba Ramdev decides to do a GAGA……he spins the whole concept around and decides to strike and cross-dress at the same time ……….a bit of his yoga cure for Homosexuality for himself perhaps…
  • And finally Anna-Hazard-de ( a close cousin of Duke-Nuke’em) decides to threaten our beloved govt ( read hated, despised and shit upon) every other day……….

A dear friend of mine , Dobby*, once said, ” When will any of them die……”, a quote which i found to be terribly true……this was before Dobby decided to fart , kiss and hug me all at the same time, managing to do nothing but fall on the floor and then drifted into wonderland…

[*Dobby’s identity cannot be revealed ………Silence, I KILL YOU ]

Bapu ( who btw is more immune to slander in India than the Islamic prophet……… Who was it…..Moses?? ) to kuch original karke gaye par yeh log ( in the true spiritof the country) bas copy hi kare jaa rahe hain …..

Yeh Madhuri Dixit Banna Chahti thee... :((

Anna-HAZARDe

Anna- Hazard-de, seems to heading ( or i rather hope he does)  the same route as Antara Bali (who????)………..into OBLIVION…

{Sudden topic change and mood change…………brought upon by chennai rains}

Agar Country ka kuch hona hai toh we need more originality……….Different times me different measures use karna padte hain…….

What if Shivaji’s army had marched onto the mughal fort, like our beloved british …and said, ” We demand battle…….face us you scoundrels !! “…………….They would’ve had there asses wooopedddd……………

Isliye bacchooon……….Copy karna Band karo….aur kuch naya karo……

The govt we have is one which was brought into power ( with an overwhelming majority) by none other than us……It is just not right to “threaten” our representatives, no matter how fucked up they may be, with Gandhi Ji’s brand of “terrorism” everyday ( Dobby’s suggestion……..he awoke, said this……farted again…….and fell in the hole again )

The man above represents “originality” …..he smokes it…….snorts it…….infact he married it…………and out came something remarkably beautiful !!!  Guess who ????? ……………………………. Clue: I love him…..Infact i’d be gay for him….probably am……who knows??…

P.S: For all those who found this article to be lacking clarity of thought,arbitrary and having reduced a “serious and grave issue” to a “790 word pile of ‘dog poo‘ “…. I have one thing to say…..” What can u expect from someone who put a 3.5 in his GRE- AW anyway ???? “

Please COKE STUDIO nahi………..isko toh baksh do

Can't some Indian channel host the original instead ?

Dreadful news……………oh god……..Coke Studio -India………Run for cover.

Apparently Indian TV, hot on their ” We do absolutely nothing original” agenda, have decided to go ahead and ruin another gem of a show by ” bringing it to india”

And yes folks, it is the one and only COKE STUDIO.

THe show that has brought the best of Pakistani music to international audiences and has enthralled Indian audiences ( over YouTube, that is). Coke Studio introduced us ( with emphasis on Indian audiences) to the likes of Zeb and Haniya, Noori, Kaavish and countless others………………Hell, it got me humming a Turkish folk song :))……..

The sad thing is, I dread how Coke Studio (India) might ruin this true gem of a concept by introducing it to the crap we like to call, Bollywood singers and Bollywood music ( Sheela ki Jawani and Munni are my favorite examples )…….Our singers and “music directors” are unfortunately just too absorbed in making the same songs over and over again, that i really struggle to imagine how they can recreate the magic of the Original.

To state the obvious once again, I LOVE PAKISTAN, IT”S PEOPLE, CULTURE, LANGUAGES BUT IF THERE IS ONE THING I LOVE MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE, IT’S PAKISTANI MUSIC

*For those of you who might not be familiar with Coke Studio and the greatness of Pakistani music, check out COKE STUDIO at the earliest………..for an example of what i’m talking about,here’s Kaavish with “Nindiya Re”

 

Chronicles of Turtle – The Geeky / Warrior Princess

** Any resemblance to a certain person living somewhere ( read, Rayleigh NC ) are purely coincidental……The author accepts no responsibility for anything that may or may not come out of this work. Basically the author couldn’t care less, so keep any and all cribbs to yourself.

Introduction-

I have been meaning to write this for a really and i mean really long time. “The Chronicles of Turtle- Blah Blah” is essentially my tribute to this awesome person/robot/hot-tempered-evil-straight from hell-devil that I’ve had the privilege of knowing for the better part of short life. This particular person is the personification of “Sugar, spice and everything nice” , a quote immortalized by my childhood favorites, the Power Puff Girls. I wouldn’t really go as far as saying that dealing with this particular person has been easy, but i can sure as hell vouch for the fact that it has given me some of the best moments of my life. [ Being stabbed in the arm with a pen, being one of them……..Naah I “KEED” ]

Chapter 1 ” The beginning” { Primary School}

The memories of this part are fairly vague. Of the tonnes of people who were interviewed with the sole intention of piecing together this work, not one could recollect a memory associated with Turtle’s infancy. I guess, everyone just remember her as the geeky kid who came out of nowhere and started topping at anything and everything. But yours truly and his team weren’teady and his team weren’t giving iat easily. We just had to keep looking.

Finally on a cold and wet night, earlier this year, we hit Jackpot. We had finally found it. There was finally proof, to support our theory……….tangible evidence [ from the most reliable source we could have dreamt of finding] to support the Tajar-Turtle Conjecture.

** Tajar-Turtle Conjecture, for those of you who may not know, states ” There was a time when Turtle did indeed have a life. This was also the time when she actually displayed a personality trait other than being an absolutely moronic geek”

One condition of absolute anonymity our source tells us , that there was once a time, when Turtle was quite a handful. To people who have come to know her later in her life [ anyone except turtle’s closest family] it may be hard to imagine Turtle as a hot-tempered, bullying teen.

Our Source, whom we are going to refer to by his alias, ” Awesome-Soul” , poured his heart out to us on that cold and wet night. By the looks of it Awesome-Soul had been sitting on this information for quite some time.

According to Awesome-Soul, the quite nerdy Turtle at school was anything but that at home. In fact if Awesome-Soul is to be believed, Turtle was the house bully back then. I could still see the fear is his Awesome-soul’s eyes as he talked about Turtle’s long forgotten childhood.

Even as experienced journalists who have covered serious issues ranging from “6th graders pooping in the school toilet and not flushing it” to ” Girls and how they neglect the 5th graders”  , our eyes filled with tears as we heard of the tortures Turtle had inflicted on her innocent (Some describe him with a halo over his head and wings on his back) and helpless brother.  A brother, Awesome-Soul claims was always good and kind to her. Here’s a rendition by Turtle’s angelical brother by one of our artists based on Awesome-Soul’s description. Also a pic of turtle has been attached just for the sake of comparison.

Artist rendition of Turtle's brother ( As described by Awesome Soul )

Artist rendition of turtle, as described by Awesome-Soul (A truly awesome soul)

“OMG, how did the poor kid survive”, said one of my editors as Awesome-Soul broke down. { No babies were harmed during the writing of this article }

P.S : For the sake of all our weak hearted readers [ for everyone else *SPOILER ALERT*] TURTLE’S BROTHER DID SURVIVE THE HARDSHIP…………SETTING ASIDE A FEW YEARS OF PSYCHO THERAPY, HE HAD A NORMAL CHILDHOOD…………BOTH HE AND TURTLE SHARE A CORDIAL RELATIONSHIP………………HOWEVER THE AUTHOR DOUBTS IF THAT SHALL BE THE CASE UPON THE PUBLICATION OF THIS ARTICLE ?????????????? ]

Hanna finds her way back to the lovely Bones

Beauty, Elegance and ofcourse awesome acting

So i checked out Hanna, and i was completely blown off……..
Afters years of wait [21 in total] there finally was action-thriller/spy/suspense movie with a female lead which was truly enjoyable…….

A complete contradiction to the ones that Ms Jolie comes up with where the emphasis one has to say is more on her boobs than the movie itself……..Who cares where tomb raider is, everyone is looking for that one perfect shot [ creepy i know, but that’s just how it is]

It was also this movie that exposed me to an actor who i’ll make it a point to follow – Saoirse Ronan [ Never mind the fact that i had to google the pronunciation of her name ]

Her performance was so enchanting that i just had to do an IT*……i visited her wiki page and looked up all her movies…….This was around 10:45 pm i guess and i had the night ahead of me……

The 2 movies I chose were – The Way Back and The Lovely Bones

While I appreciated “The Way Back” for the grandeur of the story as a whole [ a 4000 km journey from Siberia to India] it was The Lovely Bones that turned out to be the real surprise…….
Having refrained from reading anything about the movie except the name of the direction- Peter Jackson, i was completely taken by surprise…….

Brain-dead –>> Lord of the Rings —> King Kong—> Lovely Bones ???  { How does Peter Jackson do this }

The tale of the murder of the 14 year old at the hand of the pedophile [ played by Stanley Tucci ] stuck “in between” heaven and the world is simply heart wrenching. While at first one finds it hard to discern the significance of Jackson putting in random shots of girls gleefully bouncing across imaginary lands in the middle of murder drama, the place is revealed to be a kinda Purgatory from where Susy looks over her family as they struggle to cope with her death. Her personal disability to “let go” prevents her from going on to heaven.

P.S : I was desperate for a title, and i guess i chose the worst one.

Shrinky Lost ……..????

To all the IT fans out there, I have some bad news…………….

Our beloved leader and the hope of “billions” of Tullu speakers “round the globe” has reportedly disappeared.

The news of the disappearance was broken by one, Rajat “Jobless” Sharma, of IIT Madras.
Commenting on the matter, a visibly sad Rajat told our correspondents that, “IT has not been seen or heard from in a really really long time …. [slurp slurp]………..noone really knows where he is……..”

As expected, with news of such humongous proportion, the rumor mill was immediately set into motion. SMS reporting “IT Killed by ISI on orders of Veerappan” have been received by some.

Some other examples of such wild SMSes speculating on the whereabouts of IT are:

[we urge you  not to trust any such false news……….please contact your nearest ITOLOGIST regarding any query]

a)      “IT was abducted by YETI on his way to the top of the mount Everest” [readers should know that our beloved leader had intended his desire to set the TULLU flag on top of the world]

b)      “IT was killed in the same operation which killed Osama………….IT was the one in the Burqa “ [readers must once again remember that our beloved leader has been known to cross-dress, ever so often]

c)       “IT is in China……………no wonder Google got hacked”

More updates soon………….[as and when we get them]

For now, this is your favorite ITOLOGIST, Sergeant ITstein signing out.

Ciao

Friday the 13th

Momta Bong-Energy did a ‘Jason’ on the Left. Poor Left leaders including Bhuda-Deb BhooottaaaCharya got killed one by one as the whole world watched. The Bongali intelligentsia finally gave up on stupid and outdated leftist ideology and voted for “PORIBORTAN” , a slogan that DIDI directly lifted from Obama’s campaign.

10 Things that make University of Oregon very very special for Shrinky*

1)      Shrinky “chose” this university over the multitude of universities which begged him to join.

2)      Shrinky says so!

3)      Rajesh says so! (Rajesh is/was his guide for his undergrad degree who happens to be from U.Oregon)

4)      It’s somewhere in Twilight country, which enables Shrinky to further indulge in his obsession with Twilight and Vampires.

5)      Amith did not laugh or “Dude !! What the fuck” at the mention of this university. [To IT neophytes, Shrinky craves approval from one and all but nothing and I mean nothing pleases him more than A for Amith“

6)      Unconfirmed reports (from undisclosed sources) suggest that one of **Michelle’s distant relatives studied there. [Please note that ‘the Lord ‘ is said to have been so pleased on hearing this that

7)      It is also the only Physics program where no other Indian applied (from drunk and seemingly ‘high’ sources)

8)      Before deciding on which univs to apply to, Shrinky performed his typical TANTRA-MANTRA (read “locked himself in the room and cried and begged for god to give him an answer”). It was during one such session that Shrinky fell off his bed, banged his head on the floor and cried out, “Aiyyeeee UUUUOOOO”. Iske baad kya tha….Shrinky googled UO and knew this was IT. [see how clever I am with words]

9)      Anyone who owns a time machine will tell you that the Noble Prize for Physics in the year 2015 will go to a “not so obese” Doctoral student from Udupi studying at University of Oregon [No prizes for getting the name right]

10)   And lastly, Shrinky did-not get rejected from BROWN, UMCP and UCSD…….he was simply too good for them !!!!

 

*Shrinky refers to Sripoorna Bharadwaj P.K – A great personality hailing from the holy town of Udupi {the author would not like to comment on disputes regarding him being from another planet or being a reincarnation of Hitler as these are still being discussed in a court of law and the author has absolutely no intention to affront the Great Indian “Kachue Ki Chaal” Courts}

**Michelle (as used in this article) has absolutely nothing to do with a certain Michelle from Shrinky’s school life. The author was further instructed by Shrinky to clarify that he( as in Shrinky) has stopped behaving like a stalker (with the help of his Shrink of course) and does not google her name anymore.

 

Suicide Country…..

I really don’t write about such things usually. Suicide to say the least is a depressing topic, something which i thought was reserved for psychos and the clinically depressed…………..4 years at IIT changed that !!

Every semester one hears cases of students committing suicides for a variety of reasons………The most popular of the lot being, the “e-word” or Extensions. The “e-word” is a filthy little derogatory word thrown around in this place by some devilish/moronic profs who just (like the leaders  of the Arab world) don’t get it !!! The “e-word” is thrown most often at final year students with blatant disregard for the student’s future or life. The aim of most undergrad “projects” here seems to be 1) avoid the e-word 2) Get the Hell out of this place

The word “Suicide” just doesn’t mean as much here as it did outside. It’s something that one can peacefully discuss over dinner or breakfast……….no problem. If you’re thinking that the Institute isn’t pro-active enough in these cases, then you’re wrong!!….The Institute does a lot of things…….Cover up the news as much as possible, make sure that the news either never sees daylight or is confined to a small little article in some stupid local daily. Oh yeah, they play their part alright! In fact the profs (so called great brains and academicians of our country ) were so concerned about saving student lives ( and their own asses, one might add) that they banned entry onto the roof tops of all hostels !!!! They also installed a phony shrink to come and sit in the hostel management office everyday. (I bet 99% folks here don’t even know about it)

In short-

A student is being harassed like a slave by a prof…………..Don’t care………

He seems depressed…………..don’t care……..

He goes onto a roof top……..HELL NO!!

He committed suicide………Oh fuck, cover up !!………..

However the most striking aspect of all this, is the reaction of the student community ( I include myself in that). Perhaps it’s something that is wrong with India as a whole, but we are a bunch of folks who simply don’t care !!…We have absolutely no regard for human life , ” So what, ek aur mara toh kya?” . I mean someone dying in a hostel in a small community should be big news right?….WRONG!!………You’d expect that the next day folks (students and profs) would be sad or at least informed about the incident….WRONG!!….Folks here just don’t care….

A : “Kya hua”

B : “Ek aur suicide”

A:  “Kyun, Ladki?? Ki extension?”

B : “Extension be ! Prof was pain……..”

A : “Oh ok……” [Back to CS, NFS, Reading (as if) or whatever]

** I am not kidding about this, and neither is this supposed to be funny**

Infact one of the main reasons for me writing this article was a suicide that happened on campus today. A senior dual degree student in Jamuna hostel killed himself. Now this guy was extremely popular so some people seemed to notice  (trust me this would be news if you were in IIT). I was about to go somewhere and happened to be standing in front of the hostel, as the ambulance stood waiting for his body to be moved out. We all were grim and trying to gather some info when a bunch of students from the same hostel emerged in their football jerseys laughing and making jokes. People seemed to pass by cycling, having a good time as if absolutely nothing had happened ( The ambulance stood right in front)….

A couple of months back ( in this very sem) an extension student from Tambi hostel hanged himself in the water room on his floor. When the news broke a couple of us rushed to the hostel right behind ours only to find a small crowd at the entrance of the hostel. Now the crowd looked anything but grim.. They looked like a bunch of girls awaiting Beiber….As if all they wanted was the body to arrive, so they could see what a dead body looked like.

Perhaps this is what happens when 1 billion people “infest” a country…………”that’s just to many….who gives a shit if one of them dies”

This lack of sympathy or human emotions really frightens me. These are the very people that make our society. You obviously can’t expect such heartless gits to worry about our dying soldiers in Kashmir……..or the Naxalite problem in our country………..Naahh!!….All of that is for these folks……They’d rather be worried about Britney and her next crazy hair-do.

All i can say is I hope that all of this changes someday…..When a  student’s death actually matters!!

Drunk Passenger

Just had my first inflight drunk experience……..
Drunk idiot from Hyd boards plane……
Shouts “Fuck you all” for 15 minutes, plane returns from runway…..
THIS WAS NOT PLEASANT 😀

Shrinky needs a Shrink (Part 1)

Shrinks ( Don't ask how or when this pic was taken)

They say you can tell a lot about  a man’s character from the size of his Moobs………..Well they’re right, atleast in Shrinky’s case.

The owner of those moobs (Most often described as, ‘Maan’s twins’, ‘Sripoorna A&B’, ‘Udupi Honkers’ etc) is non other than Sripoorna Bharadwaj aka Shrinky.

SRI-POORNA (P.K)...The PK is there for a reason

The exact origins of this creature, as of now remain unknown. Some say, he’s the last remnant of an ancient relative of Homo-Sapiens called Homo-Crazius. (Lame joke, i know)…………….Shrinky claims to have spent most of childhood traveling and living in almost all parts of Karnataka. Born in a Tulu-Brahmin family , Shrinky speaks Brahmin-Tullu, a language spoken by few and known to almost no one in India. Tulu as some of you might know rose to fame as the mother tongue of the winner of India’s worst Accent competition, Mrs Aishwarya Rai Bachhan Khan Kapoor Johar Bhansali. At Udupi Shrinky’s life revolved around two things, his school and his favourite bell in the temple ( Who in this insane world has a favourite bell………answer, Shrinky).

For exactly 5855 days Shrinky strictly followed the code of Brahmacharya, until a fateful day when a beautiful maiden walked into his life. It happened by pure chance, as Shrinky would have us believe. There stood Shrinky by his favourite bell in the temple bored as ever, when his eyes caught something he couldn’t believe. In his 12 years of ogling at every passing girl Shrinky had never felt like this before. The girl sat there in a beautiful yellow Salwar Kurta and Shrinky was smitten. Since Shrinky’s balls hadn’t descended from the great depths of his body yet, he just couldn’t muster the courage to go and talk to her.  He spent his remaining days at Udupi going to the temple in search of that girl however to no success………………..Recent researches however point in a different direction. Shrinky as these researches tell us, wasn’t exactly faithful to his Yellow crush. Around 2005 AD, Shrinky’s life changed. He had his first “Pehla Nasha, Pehla Khumaar……Naya pyaar hai, Naya Intezaar” moment.

Shrinky got a lot of girls with this look......One wonders why they didn't stick around.

Anyhoo, Sripoorna came to IIT as a model student. He spent his very first semester loathing his very own branch ( META ). He spent his first semester pretty much hidden from public view. The few that knew him identified him as the ‘ Guy from the TV room’. Anyway, Shrinks as we have now come to know was being constantly egged on by his mum to mugg like there was no tomorrow. The net result of all this muggu-giri was Shrinky’s branch change. He was now free to terrorize the world of Physics (a childhood dream of his).

Having achieved his goal of a branch change in his first sem, Sripoorna decided to open up in his next semester. His idea of opening up being- Purchase a laptop from an obscure mall (since identified as Bhindi Bazaar in Mumbai), sit in room and watch one series after another for one whole sem. Shrinky has often cited, ” I couldn’t watch anything at home for 6 years DA” as the reason for this behavior. Naturally Shrinky’s GPA went for a deep sea dive, deep enough to bring Shrinky back to his senses and restore his Muggu self.

However the seeds of change had been planted and Shrinky was never to be the same…………………..

A glimse of what's to come